Oscars Musing: Defending My Tweets from The Academy Awards

I plan on tweeting the oscars but the red carpet can fuck itself

This kicked off my Oscar tweets. I flipped on ABC before the show actually started and turned it off immediately when I realized they hadn’t started. I don’t care about clothes. I’m not a fashion loving person. It’s not a hobby I understand. So I couldn’t give a shit less to watch famous people on their way to walk into a building. Yes, the red carpet can go fuck itself.

Already disappointed with Ellen’s hosting.

Just before Ellen took the stage I was hit with a flashback. Seven years ago she hosted. It was a pretty good show that could have ben great if Ellen hadn’t said anything at all. I don’t think she’s funny, because she’s not. She’s a good daytime host and people love her dancing, but that doesn’t make her a good comedian. Good for her for getting the gig, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. While this tweet was a joke at the time, It turned out to be prophetic.

They panned to Julia Roberts when Ellen said youth is important. #pointedgesture

Ellen made a pretty clever joke, to her credit about how important it is to be young in hollywood. The camera stiched once the pucnchline came for an audience reaction shot. The only person we saw laughing in this shot was Julia Roberts. I imagine the production director sitting in the studio heard that joke came he reacted by saying “Camera 13, close up on subject the hag. Yeah, her, fuck her.”

Dallas Buyer’s Club was more important than it was good.

This is something I firmly believe. It was a good movie, but would not have been nominated if it wasn’t for the subject matter. I think it’s great any time a progressive stance is taken on gay rights issues. The Only problem with Dallas Buyers Club is that it was boring, and would have been completely unwatchable if not for Matthew Mcconaughey’s and Jared Leto’s performances.

My dad wouldn’t let us watch Nebraska because Bruce Dern killed John Wayne once in a movie and he never forgave the guy.

This is true. In the 1972 movie The Cowboys Bruce Dern’s character killed John Wayne’s. Being a huge John Wayne fan my dad has not seen any Bruce Dern Movies since, and Nebraska was no exception.

Ellen just said “get it?” so fuck her.

I don’t remember the joke, and i doesn’t really matter. Because, comedians shouldn’t be allowed to say “get it?” Fuck anyone who has so little confidence in their work as to say something like “get it” to demonstrate when they’ve told a joke. She’s presenting at the oscars and she should be better than to say something this annoying. She chose to wear a tuxedo, she should have bigger balls than that.

Jared Leto shouldn’t be allowed.

He’s just too god damned good at the things he does.

These two tweets about Jared Leto came after he won for Best Supporting Actor. He is immensely talented, and I’ve never had a negative feeling about a performance of his in  a movie.Although 30 Seconds To Mars isn’t my cup of tea, he’s a powerful vocalist and I have a lot of respect for him.

Telling a story about your mother is the best way to not get played off.

After he won Leto, started his speech by telling a story about his mom. Not only did he not get played off, but he had one of the longest speeches of the night. Well played Rayon.

Pharell saw himself in those crazy hats at the Grammys and didn’t decide to throw them away. Let that sink in

I guess the Smoky hats are Pharell’s thing now. I just hope he has enough sense to regret them in due time.

Han Solo could only be made more bad ass by wearing a stud earring.

Harrison Ford rocked the white gold stud on the left ear. Go old dudes. Go Han.

Ithinkchanningtatummightbenervous

Tatum probably isn’t used to performing on stage with clothes on. He rushed through his presentation and I think I’ve heard better readings in high school speeches.

way to name drop EdTv, Ellen

Matthew Mcconaughey introduced a performance, and Ellen introduced him (not ironically) as her Edtv co-star. Why? What was the goal in saying that, Ellen? You’re on TV, put some thought into the things you say.

Suck it Mickey!

A Disney movie lost in an animation catergory. Sure it was short length, but still, nice to give the little guy a shot. Go Mr. Hublot, whatever you are.

The directors of the animated short film were first worked in film with Monty Python as vocal coaches.

This is a joke on their outrageous french accents. Not my best (mostly because it doesn’t make sense) but I stand by it.

these packages remind me of the shit tons of movies I’ve never seen

Again, not a great joke but it’s nice to be humble and that you’ve never seen movies like Schindler’s List and dozens others.

the things I want do to Emma watson have been the same since Sorcerer’s Stone

Emma Watson is my only celebrity crush. The things that would happen between her and I would be beautiful, and transcendent. My fiancée understands.

As a culture, lets agree that’s the last time Zach Effron is on the Oscar stage

He announced the Karen-O performance, and he’s a terrible actor. Is that okay with everyone?

Kate Hudson banged A-Rod. Don’t forget that

A-Rod’s a terrible person. I’m sure Kate Hudson’s a perfectly nice, that’s why they’re not together anymore. But she banged him, and I can’t completely forgive her.

The Act of Killing got ROBBBBBBBBBEEEEEDDDDD! Holy fuck, I still have nightmares about that shit

I’m not the type of person to argue with award shows. Those people are experts and just because I like one movie more than the winner doesn’t make me right. That being said The Act of Killing was a gripping, powerful hard to watch documentary about what mass murder can do to someone when they get away with it. It was an all encompassing look into the human psyche and it has the power to change you, if you’ll let it. It was stylistic and hard hitting, there’s no reason it should have lost. Especially not to 20 Feet From Stardom.

A THIRD CALLBACK TO THE PIZZA BIT!!!

I didn’t mention the pizza joke before then on twitter, because I didn’t think it deserved it. But after she kept it going I thougt it was necessary. Fuck Ellen for that terrible joke about pizza deliver. She can go directly to hell.

I’m surprised Pink didn’t do this song on some ropes and wires or some shit.

Bette Midler is lucky no one’s going to say how bad this is in light of the other trainwrecks of this show.

Between the pizza, Kim Novak, Adela Dazeeme, and Pharell’s hat Bette Midler’s oddly time singing of “Wind Beneath My Wings” will not seem like the worst thing that happened during that terrible production.

Fuck Ellen for having so many retweets

Yes, fuck her.

does anyone else feel physically uncomfortable in their own skin after that “Let It Go?”

I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Idina Menzel is a very experienced performer, a smart woman, and a tremendous singer. She was off. The timing was at least a bet wrong the entire time. Menzel was crying by the end of it. It was painful.

MORE FUCKING PIZZA JOKES!!!!

Yeah, she didn’t quit. She took the most retweeted picture ever that night, and also made the most awkward unfunny bit about pizza I’ve ever seen on a nationally televised event.

We feel for you, Leo

At least, I do. He’s been more than a teen heart throb for a long time, and he deserves recognition. Especially for his performance in Wolf of Wall Street. Good for Matthew McConaughey, but damn I wish DiCaprio would have won.

I wish a cooler movie could have won

When King’s Speech beat Black Swan, I felt like an injustice to a great movie was done. There’s been no clear better movie this year. But, if  Wolf or Her had one it would have felt like a braver choice than the one about slavery. It’s not a cool film, it’s doesn’t have the style or sex of some of the other nominees. I think it would have been better if one of those got the recognition.

how long till we decide that that was the worst Oscars ever?

For me, it was immediately. That shit was hard to watch, and I was just happy when it was over. I love award shows, especially The Oscars and that was a miscarriage of something that could have been wonderful. It wasn’t anything worth while, just a waste of time. Ellen only made it worse. Sorry if you’re a fan, but she was a bad host.