Fiancé Musing: 6 Things No One Tells You About Being Engaged

This past Sunday I got engaged. It’s no big deal, just further proof that I’m better than you. I appreciate the congratulations that I assume you’re bestowing on me and my future bride. We appreciate it. But, I’ve been engaged for just over 36 hours and I feel pretty well-versed in the pre-nuptial arts. I’m what you might call an expert.

I am a man. We don’t think much about weddings before its time to plan one. I knew people would eventually ask about kids or whatever, but beyond that I never knew what to expect. I thought that being engaged would be the same as being in a relationship. We already lived together, and everything so what could change? It’s just a piece of jewelry. Sure, I’ve been wrong before but never quite that wrong. I was incorrect on a level that existed deep in the marrow of my life.

Allison's Ring

I was such a fucking idiot the day before yesterday.

I hope to impart a bit of wisdom on you. If you are preparing to be engaged or currently in the pre-wedding phase you can benefit from my advice here. If you don’t benefit, you should probably re-read it just to be sure.

6.)People Will Ask You When The Wedding Is

As far as things go, this is the only thing people tell you about being engaged. You will be asked “when’s the wedding” more times than you’ve ever been asked anything in your life. You think “how’s school going?” got on your nerves, you have no idea. The first thing anyone asked us was “when’s the wedding?” It’s been asked to each of us about fifty times the past 2 days. I wish that was an exaggeration. It’s nice to have the interest, but its like they’re hypnotized robots. Their jaws go slack, eyes glazed over and they ask the one thing they’ve been programmed to ask.

Crazy eyed woman

“That’s great, but… have you set a date?”

People wanting to know is nice. I have loved ones and they are genuinely concerned with my life. They are uncreative, and that’s not so surprising since most people are. I don’t blame anyone for asking this question that will probably sound like a butter knife on a porcelain plate after a while. If you’re planning on getting married I can tell you that this question is a new part of your life and you should get over it now.

5.) You Have To Talk To Your Family

I don’t know about you, but I’m not super tight with my family. I’ve never said anything to the effect “my mom is my best friend” or “I love my uncle more than anyone else in the world.” I don’t hate my family, I’m just not attached to them the way some people are. They’re all good people, but my extended family isn’t a regular part of my life. At least, they weren’t.

Half Naked old married couple

It’s always great when we get together.

Now that I’m not just some stupid kid my aunts and uncles have a lot more interest in me. I’m working on getting better job, I finished school, and now I’m getting married. I’ve always been in the category of just a nother nephew until recently. My change in status has been a long time coming but the whole shit came to a head on collision with adulthood when I proposed. I’m now more like a real person than I’ve ever been in the eyes of my parent’s siblings. This is something that makes me very happy. I am enchanted at the idea of having new relationships with people I’ve know with people i’ve known my whole life.

If this happens to you my recommendation would be to roll with it and accept the new people. Unless they suck, in that case fuck them.

4.) Your dream Wedding Goes Directly Out The Window

When I was little kid I really wanted a horse. They seemed awesome, and you can ride them. I saw no downside. That was until I went to a barn for the first time and saw one get a boner while shitting. Things changed for me the second I came into contact with reality. It was the exact same when I proposed. It’s not like I had any set in stone ideas about what a wedding should be like. I thought it would be fancy and have flowers or something. Have you ever googled flower prices?Photographer prices? Venue or food prices? ’cause damn. Shit’s wild out there. As of right now I’ll be lucky if we don’t hold the ceremony in my back yard with catering done by Pizza Hut. Best case scenario, my fiancée will wear a dress.

Bride Shaving

She’s glowing

The problems with a dream wedding aren’t just the money, however. My engagement involved a month of planning. Even with the years that I have before the wedding, it already feels like it won’t be enough. Shit will go wrong and there is noting I can or will be able to do about it. This is the same for every wedding. Trying to plan a big ass party is hard enough, but putting some emotional weight or meaning behind it is nearly impossible. At least if you want it done perfectly. Tee ideal thing a groom or bride to be can do is to roll with the punches. Planning is hard and trying to stick to that plan cannot be done. If you want to ride an elephant down the aisle you better be prepared to settle for a St. Bernard. Even if you can pay to have the elephant flown in, there might be a scheduling conflict. Putting on the best wedding possible is hard enough, but the perfect wedding can’t be done. You will need to settle, more importantly you’ll need to be okay with that.

3.) In-Laws

People love weddings. They’re fun parties that many women prepare their whole lives for and men are allowed join in on the fun. We get so excited about it, in fact that when we hear about one we all immediately want to be involved. People try to make themselves a part of the good times. When it comes to your future in-laws this means they already see themselves as your family. Your relationship with your fiancée’s family changed immediately the day you asked her to marry you (or the day he asked you).

Annoying Mother In Law

“It was me, I farted.”

Like my own family, my in-laws are a welcome addition into my life. I’m more than happy to have these people around. The biggest difference is that I haven’t known these people for all that long. They are totally new elements tin the close relationships that define day to day dealings. Her parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, and uncles are all a part of who my fiancée is, and now they are part of me. All of these personalities are going to collide into min in ways I have no way of predicting. My guess is that it’s going to be awful. How am I supposed to deal will all their bullshit without going completely insane?

If I could give the shortest answer possible as to how to  how to deal with in laws it would still be longer than the Bible. My solution would effectively cancel every sitcom on television. I would be the person who destroyed the foundations of network television. Alas I will never be that person. If you’re bothered by your in laws, you should probably not tell your spouse about it so they don’t get too upset. Deal with those fuckers as best you can, and try not to lose you god damned mind with those weird ass people.

2.) Advice

Are you a drug addict? If not, your loved ones probably don’t spend most of their time telling you how to live your life. Once you get engaged, all that changes.

Generic 1960s pic of a father and son scene.

“No matter what she says, it was not ‘fine’.”

I’ve been engaged since late Sunday night and since then all of my closest friends and relatives have told me the key to a lasting relationship. Or how to raise kids. Or how to iron pleated skirts. The fact of the matter is that people older than you know better than you, or they think they do. Usually experience is only as good as you are. Meaning that if you are a piece of shit no amount of experience will turn you into lemon sorbet. With that being said advice can’t hurt. Bad advice can be ignored, and good advice can be headed.

Once your friends and family start telling what to do as a married (wo)man listen to them to the best of your ability. If you feel yourself starting to drool from the mind-numbing worthlessness of their words, just smile and nod. We all learn best from experience and no amount of advice will help if we don’t have the practical knowledge to support what some uncle-in-law is telling us. if someone is spouting nonsense at you from their pie trap, ignore it. If you’re at a place in your life where what someone is telling you makes sense then take the advice. There’s no secret to this, just do your best to not get yelled at when a loved one is trying to help you.

1.) Parties

This one is almost certainly because I’m a guy, but I had no idea how many parties there would be. The day after I was engaged my future mother-in-law was asking about who I’d like to invite to the engagement party. Engagement party? Is that a thing? I asked myself as if I wasn’t stoked to hear there was going to be a party in my honor. Later that day, every friend I spoke to made it clear they wanted a party as well, for friends instead of family. I like parties as much as  the next guy but the planning for this sounds like a nightmare.

Cheers Bitches sign

Easy for you to say, you’re just a banner

I’ve never been a big party person, but I’m sure this will be fun. After all, it’s all about me. My fiancée too, I guess. But this is my blog, so lets focus on me. So I’ll probably just drink myself silly (or as i call it, performing my best talent). The parties wouldn’t be anything to worry about if it wasn’t for everything else. Not only will my family be there, but so will my in-laws. I’ll get advice from people I don’t know, and ideas for the perfect wedding. Everything that sucks about being engaged will be in my god damned face at the parties. Not just the engagement party, but the bridal shower, and the bachelor party, and the bachelorette party, and the family brunch for last minute planning, and the nuptial shindig. Through all these forced gatherings disguised as fun I see the purpose. Everyone is trying to get used to the idea that the youngest generation in their family is about to get married. That’s okay with me. And if you’re getting married it should be okay with you. If the parties bother you, you shouldn’t get married because they say more about your future life than anything else.

My fiancée is wonderful. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. No matter how hard things will get, she’s worth it. The bottom-line is that, any way you dice it, I’m very glad I proposed.

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Lovely Musing: Happy Valentines Day

It’s not a very big deal to people. Most of us really only think about Valentine’s day until the week before, and some not until the morning of. And even thought it’s obviously perpetuated by gift card companies and 1-800-Flowers It is a generally nice time. It’s good to celebrate romantic love. Whether you’re single, married, swinging or stalking you should spend time with people you love today.

Here’s a few articles for your reading pleasure to mark the occasion.

5 Sketchy Facts You Didn’t Know about Valentines day (Cracked.com)

Valentine’s Day DOs and DON’Ts For Couples, Single People and The Hopelessly Confused (HuffPo)

Pornhub Comments as Valentine’s Cards (BroMyGod)

 10 Poems To Help Your Valentines Go Smoothly (BroBible)

Hope you have fun with these. Have a great Weekend.

Media Musing: 5 People I Feel Very Bad For

Everyone below is in an extremely unenviable position. Sure they’re all millionaires and probably smell better than you but that doesn’t make them any less sympathetic. Below are five famous people who despite their hard work and best efforts have found themselves living in a world that wants nothing to do with what they represent. Things are changing. We have iPads, and dark super hero movies. As the baby boomers begin to die off we watch the desires of western culture shift to something new and foreign to us. What will be as a people 15 years from now? While the internet shoves society forward like an unsuspecting girlfriend in front of a pool it’s impossible to see how people will react to the rapidly changing aesthetic landscape of the world.Predicting the future has always been impossible, but in the modern world even predicting the very near future is an excercise in the ridiculous. For every hard working intelligent film maker with an extensive artistic background is about 10 cats who have a combined 1 billion views on youtube. In our world trying to make it in a dynamic industry like art, film, or music is it’s own form of fortune telling because everyone who professionally makes something is on some level trying to figure out what people will like. You may be a perfectly capable determined writer who’s willing to give everything you have emotionally for a story, but sometimes people just aren’t ready for you. Or, even worse the trend that would have helped make you popular was a fad that has since passed. You could have wasted your adult life working on a manuscript, and you come to find out that people are sick of melodramatic books about supernatural teenagers. The lesson there would be twofold 1.) you should write your next book faster and, the more important lesson 2.) you can do nothing about what people want to spend money on. Trying to figure out how your artistic voice will fit into intellectual landscape can ruin your life. Here’s a few people who it already has.

5.)Anne Hathaway

There’s this rumor going around that Anne Hathaway might be quitting acting. When I first heard this my only question was “why?” She’s fantastic, I mean did you see Les Mis? Her 3 and a half minutes on screen was fantastic. Sure that movie was objectively awful, but did you see her as Catwoman? A lot of people didn’t like Dark Knight Rises, but did you see her in The Devil Wears Prada? I didn’t. But the point is that Anne Hathaway is a pretty, young, capable actress who seems to have a long career ahead of her. So why would she quit?

According to an interview with the Huffington Post Hathaway believes people “need a break” from her. Sh thinks we’ve had enough of her bull shit. In short she’s under the impression that we live in an age where the role she fills in our pop culture psyche is now obsolete. She has something to offer, but a lot people don’t give a shit. I was surprised to find that there are actually many people who find her irksome. I’m not one, but those people are hurting her career. So why do they exist? Why are there some of us who have such strong negative feelings about a fairly average actress in the american film industry.

Jennifer Lawrence giving the Finger

It always comes back to JLaw

Jennifer Lawrence is the solution to the Hathaway conundrum. In the public eye, and in filmic choices she is the polar opposite to everything that Anne Hathaway means to us. Where Hathaway is a poised elegant woman with sharp, handsome feminine features Lawrence is clumsy, down to earth, realatable young lady. Hathaway is like a modern Rita Hayworth, or Greta Garbo. She’s professional, and yet somewhat mysterious. JLaw is unlike any old movie star. She’s candid while still being endearing. And most importantly, everyone fucking love her. Everytime she opens her mouth on camera Buzzfeed looses it’s damn cool. Meanwhile AHaw needs to not only show her boobs, but mention it on national television to get noticed.

Anne isn’t what we want. We don’t want a young woman to acts exactly like Helen Mirren. Sure she’s rich, and has made some pretty big movies but she’s not as popular as Jennifer Lawrence. And, it’s all because she worked her entire life becoming skiny and being dignified when she should have practiced calling herself fat.

4.) Katy Perry

This past Sunday Katy Perry sang at ABC’s salute to The Beatles. She sang “Yesterday” and did a fantastic job. That wasn’t the headline, however. Instead people were outraged that she changed the lyrics. Just ask reddit, because they think she “murdered the song.”  And what was her crime against everyone’s favorite band from freshman year? She changed the lyrics from “she” to “he.” That’s it. She sang the song from a woman’s perspective instead of a man’s.

I think this is the first in what will be a long line of outrages at Perry. She’s only just begun to be hated.Like Hathaway, and the people below she has worked her entire life to be a marketable famous person. I imagine a 17 year old Perry seeing herself as the next Madonna or Britney Spears. All that teenage girl wanted was to be edgy yet popular. So far she has been. After all She’s he’s got a video that is on youtube’s top 10 most viewed, and this is her house. Even still, it seems like her luck is turning around.

Screen Shot 2014-02-09 at 9.21.05 PM

That is not the face of a happy person.

Above is a picture of the most followed person on Twitter en-fucking-raged at the Grammys. That is a still of her while watching Imagine Dragons and Kendrick Lamaar play their mash up of “Radioactive” and “m.A.A.d. City.” The rap/rock collaboration absolutely killed, and the room full of pop stars and music producers went wild. They did basically the opposite when she performed her newest single “Dark Horse.” Sure they applauded or whatever, but couldn’t hold a candle to  Dragons and Lamaar. Her gig was accompanied with some crazy shit. She had fire,  a gigantic puppet horse, and all sorts of other things you’d expect from a single song that costs thousands of dollars to perform. In the past those sorts of displays at an award show would have gone over great. Instead a couple of dudes doing nothing other than playing music was considered the best of the night.I think she is on a downward slide in popularity. I think people want more than fire and pageantry. At this point we’ve seen it all and we want something other than the same old, same old. Katy Perry is a product of a bygone era. The saddest fact of this is that she is totally unaware of her own obsolescence.

3.) Nickelback

Nickelback is fucking terrible. They are. They are like a slight against anything good in the world. Their existence is a taunt to the mere suggestion of beauty. Never the less I pity them. Because as bad as they are, they are not the worst. Even within there genre, there are bands more terrible than them. Click here, here, or here if you don’t believe me. To many people, myself included they represent everything wrong with the music industry.They’re not so much a band as a symbol. So, yes they’re bad, just not the worst.

Have you ever heard of Hot Chelle Rae? They sound nothing like the fake hard rock of Chad Kroeger’s brain child. However, Hot Chelle Rae is the worst band on the planet. Here’s one of their songs.

0.45 seconds is long enough to know how bad this is.

I’m not the only one who has felt bad for Nickelback. Adam Tod Brown at Cracked.com seems to think they don’t deserve the violent hatred against their band. The main reason I pity them is that they are boring. They don’t make good music and bad musicians are dime a dozen. Their music is uninteresting and they are almost never in the public eye, except for when people make ad homonym attacks toward Kroeger’s stupid fucking grin. They are awful, but are they the most awful? No. So leave them alone.

2.) Cecily Strong

Chevy Chase, Colin Quinn, Jimmy Fallon, Tina Fey, and Seth Meyers are just some of the brilliant quick-witted comedians who brought their own brand of razor sharp banter to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update. Most recently the pretty, young, capable comedienne Cecily Strong has taken a seat next to her co host to report on the news in a way that is almost as good as The Daily Show like so many before her. Now that Seth Myers is moving on to greener pastures at the Late Night show Strong will be left to host the show alone. Or, she would if everyone didn’t hate her.

Cecily Strong headshot

What the fuck are you smiling at?

Strong has been very funny in various sketches, and even had a few regular characters. However, every joke she tells on Weekend Update falls completely flat.Sometimes she tries to make up with it by appealing directly to the audience with some comment and then it just makes things worse. Every “yeah, you guys know what i’m talking about” is a twisting knife in the kidney of her career. Getting brought on full time to the cast of SNL must have been the greatest moment of her life. After riding on that high for some time she now has to deal with the reality that she might not be that funny. Honestly, my heart breaks for her because I think she is probably currently dealing with her own unpopularity. Look at it her way, plenty of other people have hosted Weekend Update by themselves but for her they need to bring in a totally new dude to sit next to her. It’s a massive slap in the face that is punctuated every time she looks at the camera and hears exactly no laughs.

1.)Any Boy Band That Isn’t One Direction

When I was too young to know what they were singing about, ‘N sync was fucking huge. Girls, and guys my age and older knew all the words to their songs and would sing butchered versions of their lyrics at recess. I imagine the same exact thing is happening right now with a One Direction song somewhere in the world. Those British kids are international super stars and just about everyone I know can at least sing a few bars from “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful.” They’re probably going to do better than ‘N sync did in the long run because they don’t have some chump change version of the Backstreet Boys to compete with for the preteen girl shrieks that fuel their group’s life force. I will not be the first person to say that there is something that separates these two groups and it is not insignificant.

 Nsync Gif

No, it’s not Justin’s frosted tips.

The gif above would not be possible for any One Direction music video. Other than their superior 21st century fashion sense good old 1D doesn’t dance. They have the same boyish charm and impossibly immature yet endearing good looks as every other harmonizing all male singing group but they just sort of walk around on stage. No choreographed moves, no complicated steps, nothing resembling a concept of rhythm being understood through body movements. The only choreography seems to come from their awareness that no part of a stage should be entirely empty for too long.

http://www.etonline.com/music/135737_One_Direction_On_Why_They_Won_t_Dance/

I feel bad for their competitors because, Harry Stiles and company got lucky. Who would have thought that people who don’t dance could be popular. Girls love dancers, so they shouldn’t love One Direction. The flaw in this logic is that they do. There’s no way anyone was going to see that coming. It’s sad to think that there were thousands of kids learning to dance, working out, and trying to sing just to be the next Chris Kirkpatrick. Now they don’t even have that. Handsome in-shape dudes aren’t easy to be bummed about but they’re still people who are living in a world that will hate them if they try to follow their dreams.

Positive Musing: 4 Things That Don’t Annoy Me

Do I come off as a little harsh to you? Is it hard to stomach my biting wit and brilliant criticism? Here’s something I know. Life isn’t about being a hater. People who use words like “hater” may annoy you but there’s no reason to be a dick, right now. I’m going to start a new column on the blog that is devoted to things that aren’t terrible. I think that our entire lives should end with us being more open-minded and kind than we’ve ever been before. We should grow in our openness. As human beings in a developed world full of new ideas and inventions a willingness to accept new ideas should be our greatest asset in the coming years. Pet peeves should be obstacles for us to over come, not quirks that define us. There are a lot of people with pet peeves, and they suck. Whatever annoys you, know that it’s something wrong with you more often than not. Don’t blame people others when you’re annoyed. It’s your fault. Your annoyance is a character defect, not a world defect. With that in mind, here’s a few things that don’t bother me.

4.) Selfies

My girlfriend’s fourteen year old niece spends most of her day taking photos of her own damn face all christing day. She’ll stop , mid stride, and take a quick pic of herself and caption it “In the kitchen, not baking, lol.” She really loves the look of her own image, and apparently other people “like” it too. What is the most poignant part of this entire social media transaction? I could not give less of a shit.

Ryan Bell Firefly granola bar

I’ve been known to indulge in pictures of myself

The criticism of selfies is always shaded with this idea that it is A.) new, and B.) specific to the current generation.  I don’t think there is anything inherent in the modern zeitgeist to say that people born after 1985 love their own forearms to be in images of their faces. Instead I think selfies are very much entwined with human nature. We like looking at ourselves, that explains mirrors. As people, in general, we think that look on our faces is god damned important. Is that something to be ashamed of? Should we hide, chagrined about our own genetic solipsism? No. Fuck that. If you look cute Snapchat that shit to a bestie. If you like the way the light is hitting a leaf, make sure your adorable nose makes it into the shot.

People who get mad at other’s taking pictures of themselves are wasting their time. If you feel good about yourself put it on Instagram. Who cares if it upsets your lonely hipster ex? You broke up with her, right? There’s this anti-selfie culture that poses as intellectual. You aren’t smarter just because you refuse to take pictures of yourself. You aren’t even less selfish. If you do nothing but obsess over what other people do wrong, you’re way worse than the people you’re railing against. Don’t let people like this keep you down. It’s a fun fad, and there is absolutely no harm so fuck anyone who doesn’t like it.

3.) Pictures of Food

Much like the anti-selfie crowd people who are against pictures of food on social media see themselves as intellectually elite. They are the ones who see foolish Facebook rubes and know better than to follow their absurd example. the question is, why? Why do you give a fuck if you see someone’s duck l’orange under a Mayfair filter? Are you so petty and useless that you need to worry about pictures someone else took?

Instagram meal and recieve concussion

This person would say “Yes.”

“But, they’re the ones who are petty and useless for putting up such useless pictures.” Sure, there’s no logical point in going to a fancy restaurant and posting pictures of your food to Twitter, but so what? It’s fun. Plenty of short sided bored women have said there is no point to sports, but that doesn’t mean they are actually useless. People like sports and just because they’re never going to cure cancer or eliminate poverty, doesn’t mean they don’t serve a purpose. Entertainment is just as worth while as science and mathematics, in many ways. Think about. Tons of civilizations did just fine without knowing even the most basic algebra, but none went without music.   Same goes with every form of entertainment. We need things that our fun.

My biggest problem with movement against people taking pictures of food is that there is a subtle filter of sexism as well as agism. Where we stand now in human history it’s safe to say cultures have always had a problem with “kids these days.” Prejudice against young people is nothing new, and it’s been harmless for the most part. You grow out of being a kid, and grow into talking shit on the newest even douchier generation. Prejudice against women is something more damaging, however. And face it, when you pictured someone taking pictures of their dinner it wasn’t a dude. If you can find it within yourself to not give a shit about photos of nice looking food you’d be doing women in general a favor. And who knows? Maybe you could even enjoy how pretty the knife work on those strawberries.

2.) Political Correctness

The average racist will tell you that we live in a world of “political correctness gone mad.” It’s just crazy. You can’t even say anything anymore without needing to apologize publicly. We’re like little Victorian lords and ladies who need to be so prim and proper or we’ll be fired for “behavior unbecoming of an auto salesman,” or whatever. I’m sorry salesperson

Political Correctness Einstein

See?!? Einstein agrees!

Let me be very clear, if you are a in a social position where society tells you you’re supposed to be politically correct then the practice has nothing to do with you. Using phrases like “Korean American” instead of “Chinese or something” is kind. It’s the nice thing to do. Being PC isn’t pointless, it’s about manners. You remember those things they taught you in kindergarten? Things like “please,” “excuse me,” and “I don’t think they like ‘colored’ anymore” are code words for “I’m a decent person.” Just because you don’t understand doesn’t you get a pass on not being a dick.

Not being PC can hurt people, it hurts in a way you cannot identify with if you’ve never been offended in that way. White people who don’t get why they can’t say the N word don’t need to get it. They just need to not say it. “But black people say it all the time!” Fuck you. You aren’t allowed to say certain words if you were born a certain race, gender, or orientation. That’s the way it is. “But my gay friend lets me call him a fag.” Fine but don’t let yourself think that you get some pass in your next tweet, or comment in an article about the Winter Olympics being held in Russia. Being offended is a genuine emotion, not a tool to make you feel guilty. I know some people do use it as a way to make you feel bad on someone else behalf (the old, “hey don’t say that, my cousin has dyslexia”) but there are  people who actually get offended, and for them the casual jokes you make actually hurt. Political correctness is another way of saying “kindness.” So don’t be a jerk. It’s gay, not queer, black, not negro, and latino, not “portuh ricken.” If you don’t like it, it’s because you’re an asshole.

1.) YOLO

Drake was on SNL the other day, apologizing for popularizing this phrase. It was a funny joke, whose humor was not lost on me. I understand that a lot of people are off put by the popularity of such a nonsensical and odd phrase. I’m even confused I mean, is it a word or a complete scene or what? You do only live once, but Drake didn’t break that news to us, neither did drunk sorority girls. I mean, YOLO is just some nonsense that idiots to wast our time.

Yolo Faith in Humanity

Wait, really? Faith in humanity? Like if YOLO was an acceptable word on a scrabble rip off app, then we as a species and genus would be doomed. No homos or sapiens to come after us. That’s pretty fucking grim. We survived dark ages, wooly mammoths, and the entire twentieth century, but the acronym “You Only Live Once” will be our entire undoing. Is that for real? No, of course not. It’s hyperbole. But it’s a very odd way to use humorous exaggeration. What is “faith in humanity,” how do you quantify hope for our entire race? If it’s measured by our ability to avoid silly phrases, then sure that faith could be lost or restored that flippantly. But if it’s based on our ability to preserve the planet, while still being kind to one another and ending wars whenever we’re able along with getting plenty of exercise and eating right but still producing plenty of art, then I don’t see what YOLO has to do with that.

YOLO is an acronym that rhymes with a lot of words, so it’s great for music, especially rap. It’s a short word that’s fun to say. Sure, it makes a dumb tattoo. It’s just a fad though, and it isn’t hurting anyone. A tattoo of troll toy would be pretty awful too. People take fads to extremes all the time, and there’s nothing wrong with them. They just want to be accepted. People who want to be accepted shouldn’t be hated, but pitied. Don’t rail against those who are saying thing that annoy you. Feel bad for them. Those poor people who trade personalities for catchphrases shouldn’t be pariahs, they’re simply pathetic. You’re choice with something pathetic should be to do something to make them less sad, or just ignore it. Don’t say “fuck those people,” just forget them. Your anger only makes you as pathetic as they are.

Violence Musing: 8 Reasons Why Movies Don’t Fuck Up The Kids

I could bore you with a bunch of facts and statistics, and I plan on doing exactly that. But before you get bogged down with silly information being flung directly into your eyeballs, think about something. Kids don’t behave like adults. Sure, people have some basic traits carried over from childhood, but for the most part we don’t really act the same way we did when we were kids. This is a good thing. No one wants a cute but whiney sociopath running shit in the real word. We know in our heart that Dexter would make a terrible veterinarian, or meter-maid. The lack of empathy and the impulsivity that dictates so much of childhood is all but totally impractical in most of everyday adult life.

Wall Street New York

I did say “most”

Not only are personalities not carried over from childhood, but most memories are also forgotten. The details of your favorite book or movie from when you were little are probably mostly forgotten. The details of your average day from fourth grade probably didn’t stay with you anymore than your skills on the recorder did. Most of childhood people move from terror, to confusion, to indignation, to unbridled joy with  little incentive. It sucked being a kid, we just forget that when we till kids we wish we were young again. Thankfully, childhood is not permanent and we grow out of most of our unfavorable qualities. And if that’s true how can some game we played as a kid fuck us up later by accident?

8.) There Was Violence Before Video Games

Ever person like myself, who is against the banning or censoring of media cite this as a pretty big hole in the logic of their opponent’s arguments. “Why ban movies like Rambo if people went on killings sprees before that movie even came out?” It’s a good question that is usually met with a condescending smirk and some old white person telling” you that’s not the point.” To that I always think but almost never say, “yes it fucking is.” If you think that violence in movies and video games cause violence in real life, then you should also believe that violence increases if a really violent movie comes out. If that doesn’t happen, then you’re wrong. Even if you don’t like being wrong that doesn’t make you right.

Fox and Friends

Just don’t tell them that

Media does affect people. If a white girl watches The Notebook she feels happy, same with Black people and Madea movies. But happy movies don’t change the entire sociopolitical of the world for the better anymore than violent movies send us into a dystopian hellscape. It’s because people aren’t machines. Even if we are affected by a movie or a game for a few hours or days after seeing or playing it, we know its fiction. The content doesn’t change our personality if there are good real-life influences on us. If a kid has dickish parents, and his favorite movie is Sin City he probably is going to be fucked up. But that is more so his asshole parents fault that it is Robert Rodriguez’s. The fact of the matter is that violent media gets us all jacked up on adrenaline but adrenaline can’t turn us into angry killing machines.

7.) The Gateway Theory Is laughable

Correlation doesn’t create cause. No matter how clunky and annoying that phrase is, it’s true. People with the same interests are not the same people. Just because one guy who plays video games shoots up a Naval yard doesn’t mean that’s what every gamer wants to do. This is the same way that while some people who ski become president, the majority of winter sports enthusiasts never hold the highest office in the land.

Kissing couple

Did you know that every rapist had kissed someone before their crime? Coincidence?

Just as smoking weed doesn’t lead to main-lining black tar heroine, watching Natural Born Killers won’t make you a vicious psychopath. The idea that fiction can somehow transfer into our lives through its existence. There is a jump in logic made when a person says that something fake can become real. It’s own falseness rules out the the existence of a possibility that it could become real. Most violent stories are hyperbole that refer to something else. No Country For Old Men is about the retiring and increasingly irrelevant baby boomer generation. Saw is an examination of black and white morality. Hills Have Eyes is about people’s general fear of the poor. And, Ichi The Killer (one of the most violent movies ever made) is ironically about the effect of media violence on the public.The only violent movies that kill people just for the sake of doing it end up being terrible. Violent media is about the story is just like other stories, they are about something. Just like porn doesn’t turn the world into a giant orgy, violent video games don’t turn us into torture addicts.

6.) Violent Crime Is On The Downslide

While violent media has been around since forever, but today the rate of violent crime is declining. You hear all sorts of people saying that violence in movies keeps getting worse and worse, complaining about the good old wholesome days when no one hurt anyone in movies. This idea is nothing more than completely outlandish.

Violent Crime Graphic

“I’m not a numbers guy” – assholes who don’t want to be wrong

If violence in movies is getting worse, then it is not affecting human behavior at all. In number 2 I’ll tell you about the slight calming effect it seems to give people, but for now just know that violent video games seem to relieve stress in people. That effect however, probably doesn’t have to do with people blowing off steam from playing GTA V. There are social factors from every economic strata in America that are contributing toe the fall in violence. Most of these are too boring to go into and don’t really matter anyway. The point is that while extreme violence is more accepted in movies and TVs it has obviously no affect on real-life.

5.) Movies Don’t Kill People, Guns Kill People

If you’re a gun enthusiast, good for you. It’s a pretty bad-ass hobby that can almost definitely get you laid in the right circles. However, you need to be aware that what you’re doing with your free time is killing people. Maybe you don’t do it, but it’s the primary way that murder is done in the US. While we did beat out Mexico and South Africa, countries like Nicaragua and Kuwait have far less alarming gun related homicide numbers than the greatest country in the world. We as a country live in a fantasy world where personal firearms protect our liberties, and we can’t be hurt as long as we’re allowed to keep our Glocks. This is bullshit. Plenty of countries have guns and very little freedom for people. This is made extra crazy by the fact that we as Americans are fully aware of our status as the most powerful military the world’s ever seen. If our armed services could destroy the earth more than 5 times, who gives a shit about your .38. Guns do serve a purpose, however in America they’re mostly for hobbyists not for modern age minute-men.

African Baby with Gun

Sometimes you’ve gotta hold your shit down

There are literally dozens of articles, and studies, and other articles from highly respected publications that give all but inarguable proof that video games do not cause real life violence. At the same time there are just as many studies, and articles that say fewer guns means fewer gun crimes. If you don’t think guns kill people but video games do, you’re wrong. #SorryNotSorry

4.) The Arguments Are Too Emotional

Ask any Jedi, being too emotional really fucks with your ability to do anything right. This is especially true when trying to make a rational argument. People say stupid stuff when they’re mad. It’s a fact of life. The violence in the media issue is a hot button controversy, and arguers on both sides have strong feelings about it. Even if they know they get less reasonable the angrier they get on an intellectual level that doesn’t stop anyone for spouting idiocy about video games on the internet.

Profile of man screaming.

Fuck rational conversation!

We don’t like to admit to being a part of rules when they reflect negatively on us. But a rule of being human is that emotion clouds your judgement, and it’s true for everyone. We all get irrational about something, and we need to learn to admit to it in order to function in the adult world. People who think their kids are at risk of being mass murderers  because they like Gears of War, are wrong. Sure, the gut reaction is to see someone virtually saw another person in half is to freak out, but that’s not the smart reaction. you’ve gotta ask yourself “what does this mean for my child specifically versus what it might mean for other children?” And, “did seeing violent images when I was young turn me into a well oiled killing machine?” Usually, if you think it through you’ll realize that acting in a reactionary way is unwise and useless.

3.) Rock And Roll

For decades real life people actually believed that songs like this could legitimately corrupt real-life youth. We know now that all those theories were really just racism. But still, people didn’t start to think this was ridiculous until enough white people learned a couple blues chords. In fact some crazies still think believe Guitar Hero is the devil. They’re crazy as shit.But what do people in the 1950s have to do with violence in video games? Everything. Because those idiotic accusations were basically the same as saying Doom was responsible for the Columbine shooting.

Doom

Damn it, now I want to hold a nation in terror through heinous acts

Rock and roll is here to stay, and so are video games. If you’re afraid of them, you should realize that you’re a racist. More or less. Open your mind, and let your daughter date Tyrone. Who knows? She might have some fun and you might learn a thing or two.

2.) Even The Most At-Risk Young People Aren’t Affected By Media

A recent Texas A&M study showed that not only did video games fail to harm the psyches of depressed, or overly aggressive youth they provided a slight calming effect. As this Playstation 4 commercial definitively proves, people feel better when they get to kill something in a game. Same with this comedian. The study linked above also proved this. Every now and again we all need to shoot shit, and it turns out video games really help. Capping fake fools in Liberty City keeps you from doing it New York.

Grand Theft Auto IV

This aughta help me forget about that parking ticket

Humans are products of hundreds of millions of years of evolution. Most of that has involved killing shit, and in a relatively more recent maneuver we decided to cut that shit out. We want to hunt, kill, and be horrible at our cores. Video games let us to be both horrible, and not do anything wrong. That study proved this in the most impulsive and violent elements of our culture. Young troubled teens not only failed to become more violent and troubled, they calmed the fuck down for a little while after. Like I said before, no effect from media seems to be perfect. The vast majority of movies don’t change people’s lives.Some can, but they’re mostly meant for entertainment. And, if even those most at risk of losing their shit after an Xbox binge do nothing but relax, why would we believe that anyone could?

1.) People Don’t Want To Commit Violence.

At all of our candy coated centers, we want world peace. We want no more wars or conflict. Obviously this doesn’t always work out. But even at our worst the average person wants everyone to just calm the hell down and get along. No matter how many fake people you shoot in Halo, or dismemberment you watch in the Saw movies you know that its wrong. If you show a 3 year old Evil Dead 2 it will probably cry because of all the screaming and blood. From very early ages we are very uncomfortable with the hurting of others. Even if kids are dicks, most don’t want to actually commit the types of unspeakable crimes seen in movies.

Little Girls With Guns

I said most, god damn you

There was a scene in Fight Club dedicated to this. And, Tyler Durden was right. It would be damn near impossible to start a fight with a stranger and lose, because no one wants to kick your ass and you need to work pretty hard to make them want to. Some are better at it than others. Like pageant queens we value world peace more than anything else, and we try to do our part in it when we can. There are even people who believe that this is a serious and attainable goal. While some tend to cry doom, conflict is something we want to avoid, at our most rational. Star Trek isn’t the only who thinks we’re headed for an increasingly level-headed international landscape, and they’re right. As we humans evolve more, and try harder to overcome animal urges we are growing more gentle. Through our own best instincts we are growing past violence, no matter how many Bioshock DLCs we buy.

Linked up above, but bears repeating:

My buddy’s got this band and they’re pretty great. They’re called Sangre Luna, from Phoenixville PA. You should check them out here or go to their Reverbnation page

Also, there are literally hundreds of articles that talk about this issue, and if you’re not convinced by me you should look into any of them. The internet can teach us just as much as it can confirm our prejudices so it’s wise to keep an open mind even if you feel emotional about a topic.

Here’s a few good articles on the topic that I didn’t link above:

Violent Video Games and Movies Causing Violent Behavior

How Violent Video Games Fit In With Violent Behavior

Do Violent Video Games Play A Role In Shootings?

Claims that ‘Video Games Lead To Violence’ Cause Violence

One more thing. I worked for a chain of convenient stores in southern Pennsylvania for less than a year. It was a weird job, for a whole ton of reasons. One of them being the people. If an old lady wasn’t asking for help with her gas, then a teenager was putting his lit cigarette in a trashcan full of paper. It sucked. Those same psychos made a habit of starting weird conversation with cashiers, meaning me. One silver lining of that job was that sometimes I got to put on classic rock to play in the store instead of the normal mind numbing bubble gum pop. I’m not a huge classic rock aficionado but anything is better than Ke$ha. This one old guy bought his stuff from me and should have been leaving but instead said “you know?” Which is my least favorite way for strangers to start conversations with me. The song “Wish You Were Here” was playing and the guy made eye contact that I had never asked for.

He went on “thirty years ago.”

“Oh, fuck” I thought, “I’m gonna be here a while.”

“You couldn’t play rock and roll music. You know?”

I stood silently hoping I wouldn’t have to change the station.

“They wouldn’t let you. You know… cuz it will fuck up the kids.” he said with the air of the coolest old guy I’d seen all day. “but now they’re not so stupid. I hear Pink Floyd and its like ‘yeah, man cool.’ Any way, cool I’ll see you later.”

I’m dedicating this article to him, because his “fuck the man” mentality even for a guy into his sixties was pretty awesome so I named it after his phrase that was used in the title and that helped turn a pretty mediocre day suddenly awesome.

Media Musing: The 5 Most Influential Companies You’ve Never Heard Of

5.) Independent Studio Services

Ever felt like you could really go for a nice cold Heinsler or a HaberKern. How about a smooth Clermont Whiskey? If so, you’ve ever wanted Farm Fresh Milk in your Crispy Puffs and a tall glass of 25th Anniversary Orange Juice then you’ve noticed the products of Independent Studio Services. ISS provides a fairly simple service. They make fake brands that look like real ones. It’s hard to make agreements for product placement and advertising with every single product. ISS fills in the gaps with their various designs. If your movie looks a little bland in the background they can add splashes of color. If the production company doesn’t have the rights to say, Sports Illustrated why not just have the actor read Sports Limited magazine

. Kate Upton Sports Illustrated

I’ll still take the original

Their products are so convincing that “Is Heisler Beer real” is a pretty common google search. You can find their products in literally hundreds different shows and movies. On top of a wide array of recognizable consumer brands they carry the largest supply of prop weapons of any other company. Laws were actually made about their realistic $100 bills for being too realistic. ISS made the $1 billion dollars that were blown up in the end of Rush Hour 2. The bills were spent by extras and eventually recalled by the Secret Service. Their fake product placement has been so present in the media that they’ve built a veritable empire around it. And speaking of product placement…

4.) Product Placement agencies

The role of product placement is a somewhat controversial topic for artistic purists, but it’s not going anywhere. Most people assume that it is done through the companies that appear on screen. While this is sometimes true, there are also mega-gigantic agencies that split burden in a several-ways monopoly. The industry is dominated Rodgers & Cowan, Vista GroupThe Marketing Arm, Norm Marshall & Associates, and Global Entertainment Marketing. The people involved in the process do their best to incorporate their client’s wares in into the most appropriate areas of a film. They are actually masters at this specific craft.  Good product placement is even awarded by websites.

There is actually a Wayne’s World award

However you feel about advertising in movies, it’s a very prevalent part of our culture and is a multibillion dollar industry every year in America. Those six companies are at the helm of hugely important industry in the media. They the most prominent in a gigantic industry, that makes its money for not being noticed. Their talent for fading into the background would actually explain why most of us have never heard of them.

3.) Reel Scout

Location scouting is a complex art, that is totally vital to the film or TV making process. Reel Scout is among the most prominent in their industry. While certain sets are reused for different movies, finding the right location for a movie can sometimes be an exhaustive process. A borderline madman, Stanley Kubrick was known for being a perfectionist for his sets just like he was for everything else. He once had an assistant take pictures of front doors all over Inglewood, England to find the perfect “hooker door” for Eyes Wide Shut. He was similarly obsessed with the sets for all of his movies include Full Metal Jacket and The Shining. He was so aware of the importance of background that he had the sets and props of 2001 destroyed so they would remain unique to his work. (more of his madness can be seen in Jon Ronson’s Stanley Kubrick’s Boxes or in the interview he had with Kubrick’s assitant which was published in his collection Lost at Sea). Kubrick alone proves that finding the right location is an art form to itself. Outside of crazy people, Real Scout has tried to make films more accessible to the average viewer. Having the largest database of locations makes this a little easier. In essence RS is responsible for making films seem more real.

Star Wars Tattooine Set

Not always a lasting art

2.) CMG World Wide

While they don’t represent the most relevant celebrities, CMG world wide has quite the impressive stable of clients. As far as talent agencies go the agency, specifically Mark Roessler represents dead famous people. To be specific, the deadest most famous you can think of. Andre The Giant, Marilyn Monroe, Mark Twain, the phrase “let’s get ready to rumble,” General George S. Patton, and Chuck Berry are all clients along with a whole shit load of other people. If you’ve ever wondered who makes money off of licensed slot machinesbobble-heads, or  the “I Heart New York” tee shirts then look no further than CMG.

Marilyn Monroe

Someone’s making serious scratch off this crap

With a reputation for ruthlessness this firm has cornered the market on dead, very famous people. Most of the ultra famous dead chose to go with CMG. No other company boasts as impressive of a stable as they do. This is true even when considering clients they don’t currently represent but have in the past like Elvis, Michael Jackson, and Babe Ruth. the industry is growing because of this agency’s popularity and their client base has suffered somewhat. They have however, brokered more than 200 deals with the US postal service and run websites whose networks get 15 million hits a day.While they also are in charge of some live people Mark Roessler is the head of the division that handles the deceased. He alone is in charge of hundreds of millions in merchandising and licencing. His job at this point is easier than making a teenager cry, because clients come to him. In a 60 Minutes interview, Roessler makes himself seem like a sort of Robin Hood. Since he effectively invented the industry, he feels like he has rescued the birth (death?) rights of those people whose celebrity was earning their families no money at all before he came along. Roessler’s company invented, and fought for the right to represent estates of dead celebrities and his company is the top earner in the business.

1.) Industrial Light and Magic

There are big behind-the-scenes companies, then there’s ILM. No special effects company has done more for the industry than the brain child of George Lucas. On top of creating the first CGI character and sequence  they invented a whole shit load of other stuff. Their relevance cannot be understated. In the last year alone they did special effects for The Hunger Games, Star Trek Into Darkness, World War Z, and The goddamned Avengers. Their dozens Oscar nominations and wins seem  almost incidental when you consider all of their achievements. Even their website seems more like a fascinating work of minimalist art. With their partner Skywalker Sound ILM has practically invented the computer generated special effects industry. Their innovations have been both impressive and instantly recognized as instances of “holy-fuckery” brilliance.

Psudopod The Abyss

You gotta start somewhere

If you’re the type of person who already knew about ILM, and are screaming “I’ve already heard of them, dickbag,” then you can fuck yourself for calling me names. The fact is that as a behind the scenes company they make every one of their innovations without the kind of credit that actors and directors get. Now that they have been bought by Disney with the rest of Lucasfilm, it’s likely that their unsung-ness will only increase that status when they’re swallowed by that rolling behemoth of an empire.

BS Musing: 8 historical misconceptions

This article requires a disclaimer. The things you are about to read are totally true, and are fascinating. However, no one will give a shit. The next time you’re over at a friends house and she brings up one of these dusty rumors as if she’s stating a fact you are more than welcome to slap that bitch in the face with truth. Tell her she’s wrong, and insult her mother for good measure. And even with the shining brilliance of your intellect laughing in the face of her stupid ignorance she will give no shits. That’s because people love clichés. They make people happy. It’s easier to shove ideas into little cubbies and never let them get out than it is to learn new stuff. If you don’t believe me you can just ask the entire country music industry (burn!). Stereotyping is a quick way to get around in life and people will resent you if you try to take that away from them. I’m sure there are deep points you can make about the human condition if you think about this too much, but I’m not going to. Most of my life involves avoiding being that guy. Yes these facts are fun, but I wouldn’t suggesting telling your friends about them in casual conversation because they will stare blankly at you slowly realizing how little you matter to them. You’re welcome to read on just don’t expect it to come to anything.

8.) Columbus Proved The Earth Was Round

Myth:

In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue, laughing in the face of logic and conventional wisdom. While under the impression that the world was a big ball, he believed it was quicker to go west by sea to get to India than to go east by land. This was because everyone at the time absolutely knew the earth was flat. Hell, even the King of Portugal told Columbus (whose name was actually Christóbal Colombo) that he would surely fall off the earth. Part of the reason people thought this was that maps were flat, so they figured the real earth looked just like a big ass map. That’s what made it so difficult for Columbus to even get his expedition to happen. People didn’t want to invest money into a journey that was certainly going to end in three ships falling into the ether. There was some controversy over what was over the edge of the world, but most people knew that if you went far enough you would definitely die.

Flat Earth

No word on where the moon went in the day time

Behind the Bullshit:

It would be a waste of time to say that it’s a myth that Columbus discovered America. Everyone knows he didn’t, and in fact he never even went to the United States. It’s less common knowledge that virtually no educated person in 1492 believed the Earth was flat. Colombo was not breaking ground by not falling into nothingness. The real reason he had problems getting investors was because they correctly thought he had miscalculated the distance from Spain to India going west. While no westerner was aware that the New World existed, scientists had already calculated the approximate circumference of the earth many centuries before Columbus. The Greek philosopher Eratosthenes actually figured out, not only the earth was round but he calculated the circumference with astounding accuracy seventeen hundred years before anyone sailed any ocean blue. The origin of this misconception probably comes from Colombo’s miscalculation of the Earth’s size. He wasn’t trying to prove the world was round, but rather that it was much smaller than it actually is.

Tiny Earth

“Seems about right” – Chris Columbus

Despite centuries of geometry, and cartography the Spanish explorer was still arrogant enough to think he knew better than Aristotle, Pythagorus, and several other Greek geniuses (he was also thought Japan was about twice as far from China than it was and that Europe was much wider than it was). Columbus’ foolishness gave him a reputation, which is why some still believe that he never actually found out he wasn’t in India.The truth is Columbus wasn’t that smart for a self-taught rich Spaniard. His idiocy has most likely bled into legends about him, leading people to think that his contemporaries were just as arrogant and foolish as he was.

7.) Vomitoriums Were Not Vomit

Myth:

Romans were so obsessed with beauty that bulimia was considered culturally common. If you want to be attractive you have to be thin, and to do that you need to throw up all that fatty food that was so common in lavish and beautiful Rome. In fact they even had special rooms for this. Every theater and public place set aside a special area at the entrance and exit so that the more beautiful elements of society could purge in specially designated receptacles.

Toilet throw up

Nowadays we put ours in less convenient places

Behind the Bullshit:

Vomitorium only has root word similarities to the word vomit. The latin word they both come from means “to move a lot of stuff through a small space,” essentially. People never actually threw up in them, probably. For anyone who knows anything about architecture, theater, or Roman history this myth has been a thorn in your side for a long time. Vomitorium is just the word for exists in certain types of theaters. While this is a much more boring explanation, it does speak more highly about human nature. Even if we can’t make fun of the savage assholes from the past, at least we can take comfort in knowing that those assholes knew better than to accept vomit as the Roman equivalent of slap bracelets. After all they are some of our ancestors.

Vomitorium

“Damn I was really hoping to see some vomit.” – you

6.) Iron Maidens Tortured People In the Middle Ages

Myth:

One of the most feared torture devices of all time were iron maidens. As if spikes weren’t bad enough they added claustrophobia. Of course the tight spaces wouldn’t be so bad if you were big enough. A fat enough person would have to good fortune to be gutted in the frightening death device. It was essentially a olden days version of the chokey from Matilda. The Iron Maiden not only tortured bodies, but gave all wrong doers incentive to cut the proverbial shit. The terrifying threat of this device was enough to stun medieval criminals with its very existence.

Image

Iron Maiden fans were only slightly more scary

Behind the Bullshit: 

There is some controversy on this point. There’s pretty much no doubt that they were never used in the middle ages. In fact the idea of a human sized spiked torture device wasn’t invented until the very late 1700’s. The most likely story is that it was put on display to show the cruelty of eras gone by. The irony in this was that the cruelty in this case was only imagined and it makes the 18th century seem a lot more dickish that the 16th. Specifically one person. A museum curator wanted to make his medieval torture exhibit more interesting and thought the best way to get people through the door was to sex up the the place some old parts he found lying around. What he came up with was a chamber slightly bigger than a person with some spikes on the inside. The audience was so horrified that their stories have lasted longer than the truth about the Iron Maiden.

Iron Maiden Device

Arts and crafts project for the sadist in your life

5.) VIkings Wore Horns

Myth:

Quick, stop yourself from thinking about Vikings! You thought of a viking, didn’t you? God damn you! Well, you might as well stop reading this too. You’re still reading? You’re a real fucker. While I’ve got you here, what did your viking look like? Chances are there was a lot of fur, big shields, and horns on a helmet. Probably a great warrior who burned people in boats while they wore those hilariously stupid looking hats.

Image

Adrian Son of Peter

Behind the Bullshit:

Ever notice how those helmets are on opera singers half the time. Ever also notice that Vikings didn’t have operas? Those helmets were invented by an opera set designer because he had no clue what Vikings wore. The guy probably didn’t expect for people to eventually believe that the horns on the helmets were accurate. All he was trying to do was show how proud of killing those crazy Scandinavians were. Putting the demonic horns on the old norsemen was one way to show this. It was all in the name of showing the character for the show. If you’re in to opera I’m sure that one was pretty good. As far as creative decisions go the helmets do strike a certain level of fear into hearts. Even if the weird guy in your frat always wears one to parties.

Viking Hat guy

Fucking Steve again

4.) George Washington’s Teeth Were wooden

Myth:

Everyone knows the famously stern face that has seen the insides of thousands of stripper ass cracks all over this great nation. If you get enough boring people in a room they will shuffle their hands in their pockets and figure out there’s a dollar hiding down there. Then a rousing conversation about that enigmatic frown will skyrocket that party into funville. “Hey did you know that he never smiled because his teeth were made of wood!” one delightful idiot will scream in your face, their dimwittedness in no way tamping their joy.

George Washington Money Portrait

“He also never blinked, because his eyelids only existed in on a different timeline”

Behind the Bullshit:

Using common sense this should be a simple math problem. One of the most famous people in the world becomes the leader of a gigantic, brand new country and all he can afford is wood? Washington was a beloved figure until his death, and people probably would have been glad to give their teeth to him. In fact, they did.

George Washington Teeth

Tell that idiot that these are his actual teeth

There is also this idea floating around that George Washington was unique in the fact that he had no teeth in his late life. Not only was this common in the 18th and 19th century, it was par for the course for every civilization on earth before fluoride was added to drinking water. Fluoridated water was one of the most successful public health campaigns in the history of all civilization. It also marked the first time in history that the average citizen of an entire country was given the luxury of dying with their own teeth.

3.)  Mussolini Made The Trains Run On Time

Myth:

“Say what you will about Mussolini, but at least he made the trains run on time,” some weird old guy will say to you if something isn’t going his way and he wants you to believe he invented this sarcastically short sided semi-joke. All humor is based in some truth, if not total fact. The sentiment behind this joke is clear. The out-dated comedian is saying that he would trade personal freedom if it meant the little things would be easier from day to day. And why not? After all, Benito Mussolini was a fascist, sure. But, his infrastructure was so well maintained that the entire country worked like a well oiled machine!

Ugly Fiat

Hopefully it ran and looked better than every single Fiat ever made

Behind the Bullshit:

In reality the Italian culture has always valued punctuality.It was for this reason that they built a state of the art, extremely reliable train system. Before Mussolini took power, that was. Not only did Mussolini’s government have nothing to do with the railroad time tables, it is very likely that as his leader ship went on, Mussolini hurt rather than helped the process. This is because the budget of fascist Italy was all but entirely uninterested in anything other than blowing shit up. Like almost every other dictatorship ever, Mussolini’s Italy obsessed with its military. The budget was improperly balanced and focused mainly on shooting people. Toward the end of his 12 year iron fisted rule over the country the trains fell into disrepair just like everything else.

Italian Train

This thing was probably too busy murdering humping teenagers to care about you getting to work

2.) FUCK is an acronym

Myth:

The worst word you can say has a rich history. “Fornicate Under Consent of the King” and “For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge” are each one of the two phrases that have been abbreviated to the word “fuck.” One myth holds that King George was worried about all of the British people leaving his country for the new world. To stave off under population he decreed that his people should be having sex more often, hence the king acronym.

Burger King

I also decree that I should be allowed to watch

The other explanation is that “FUCK” used to be a a shorter way to explain rape. Instead of saying that a suspect had been raping a victim they used the more polite phrase, which was “FUCKing.” Each of these stories have infected parts of the country’s culture in spite of their total lack of reality.

Behind the Bullshit:

Fuck is not an acronym, in fact almost no words in English are. Like just about every other word, fuck has its origin in another language. Fuck is close to unique in the fact that it can be used as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, and pronoun. The funniest part about the word is that it wouldn’t be so dynamic if it wasn’t also a curse word. Whenever anyone says “the fucking this” or “this fucker there” they are essentially saying they don’t like this or that, giving the word its versatility.

The first modern use of the word was in a poem called “Flen Flyys.” This odd poem written in modified Latin almost definitely did not invent the word. It used the word “fuccant” which would eventually become everyone’s favorite “F” word. It was written partly in code, and was meant to make fun of monks. The real truth is that we have no hope of ever finding out where the word came from, because it was probably an organic unassuming phrase that just happened to gain traction as profanity. Language is a mostly natural process, that isn’t forced into existence the way this lie suggests. It is also important to note that the words “consent” and “unlawful” are both newer than the supposed acronyms.

 Carmelite Monk

They probably get made fun of because they look like human penises.

 

 

1.)  A Radio Broadcast Nearly Destroyed The Foundation Of American Society

Myth:

War Of The Worlds by H.G. Wells is a wordy, yet awesome turn of the century science fiction novel. With his deep insistent voice the Orson Welles’ narration brought this electrifying tale to life. For some the radio broadcast was a little too life-like, especially for those who tuned in after the announcement that the show was to be a work of fiction. Anyone who missed the disclaimer was likely to think that this was a real news story, and not the special production that it was. After all, people were thrown into mass hysterical panic because they thought that Martians were actually coming to kill us all. Children screamed, women wept, and men looked to the sky in silent horror waiting for the inevitable end. Quiet at-home orgies using the radio at background noise gained a whole new purpose when they found out about our alien overlords. Everything anyone had ever been worth was about to be useless because the radio just told us all that hostile evil aliens are on their way to overthrow our very existence.

Orson Welles War Of The Worlds

Pictured: Humanity’s final somber messenger

Behind the Bullshit:

After a millisecond of thought you figured out this was obviously a lie. Radio was like TV back in the day. Can you imagine if a bunch of people had turned on Sharknado at the wrong time and assumed that giant killer fish were flooding the streets and eating washed up actresses. The story was first invented by several newspapers, including the New York Times. Many print industry insiders had their own panic when hearing that broadcast that had nothing to do with alien invaders. They were afraid that the success of the broadcast, and others like it would lead to the elimination of the print industry. We know now that the print industry is nearly impossible to eliminate. In the olden days though, they thought their darling little news papers were in danger of being replaced by the more environmentally conscious, easier to use, totally free counterpart. Entire books have been dedicated to this specific misconception, unfortunately they weren’t text books so the lie persists.

Sharknado Chainsaw

Oh sweet christ! That poor brave man!