Fiancé Musing: 6 Things No One Tells You About Being Engaged

This past Sunday I got engaged. It’s no big deal, just further proof that I’m better than you. I appreciate the congratulations that I assume you’re bestowing on me and my future bride. We appreciate it. But, I’ve been engaged for just over 36 hours and I feel pretty well-versed in the pre-nuptial arts. I’m what you might call an expert.

I am a man. We don’t think much about weddings before its time to plan one. I knew people would eventually ask about kids or whatever, but beyond that I never knew what to expect. I thought that being engaged would be the same as being in a relationship. We already lived together, and everything so what could change? It’s just a piece of jewelry. Sure, I’ve been wrong before but never quite that wrong. I was incorrect on a level that existed deep in the marrow of my life.

Allison's Ring

I was such a fucking idiot the day before yesterday.

I hope to impart a bit of wisdom on you. If you are preparing to be engaged or currently in the pre-wedding phase you can benefit from my advice here. If you don’t benefit, you should probably re-read it just to be sure.

6.)People Will Ask You When The Wedding Is

As far as things go, this is the only thing people tell you about being engaged. You will be asked “when’s the wedding” more times than you’ve ever been asked anything in your life. You think “how’s school going?” got on your nerves, you have no idea. The first thing anyone asked us was “when’s the wedding?” It’s been asked to each of us about fifty times the past 2 days. I wish that was an exaggeration. It’s nice to have the interest, but its like they’re hypnotized robots. Their jaws go slack, eyes glazed over and they ask the one thing they’ve been programmed to ask.

Crazy eyed woman

“That’s great, but… have you set a date?”

People wanting to know is nice. I have loved ones and they are genuinely concerned with my life. They are uncreative, and that’s not so surprising since most people are. I don’t blame anyone for asking this question that will probably sound like a butter knife on a porcelain plate after a while. If you’re planning on getting married I can tell you that this question is a new part of your life and you should get over it now.

5.) You Have To Talk To Your Family

I don’t know about you, but I’m not super tight with my family. I’ve never said anything to the effect “my mom is my best friend” or “I love my uncle more than anyone else in the world.” I don’t hate my family, I’m just not attached to them the way some people are. They’re all good people, but my extended family isn’t a regular part of my life. At least, they weren’t.

Half Naked old married couple

It’s always great when we get together.

Now that I’m not just some stupid kid my aunts and uncles have a lot more interest in me. I’m working on getting better job, I finished school, and now I’m getting married. I’ve always been in the category of just a nother nephew until recently. My change in status has been a long time coming but the whole shit came to a head on collision with adulthood when I proposed. I’m now more like a real person than I’ve ever been in the eyes of my parent’s siblings. This is something that makes me very happy. I am enchanted at the idea of having new relationships with people I’ve know with people i’ve known my whole life.

If this happens to you my recommendation would be to roll with it and accept the new people. Unless they suck, in that case fuck them.

4.) Your dream Wedding Goes Directly Out The Window

When I was little kid I really wanted a horse. They seemed awesome, and you can ride them. I saw no downside. That was until I went to a barn for the first time and saw one get a boner while shitting. Things changed for me the second I came into contact with reality. It was the exact same when I proposed. It’s not like I had any set in stone ideas about what a wedding should be like. I thought it would be fancy and have flowers or something. Have you ever googled flower prices?Photographer prices? Venue or food prices? ’cause damn. Shit’s wild out there. As of right now I’ll be lucky if we don’t hold the ceremony in my back yard with catering done by Pizza Hut. Best case scenario, my fiancée will wear a dress.

Bride Shaving

She’s glowing

The problems with a dream wedding aren’t just the money, however. My engagement involved a month of planning. Even with the years that I have before the wedding, it already feels like it won’t be enough. Shit will go wrong and there is noting I can or will be able to do about it. This is the same for every wedding. Trying to plan a big ass party is hard enough, but putting some emotional weight or meaning behind it is nearly impossible. At least if you want it done perfectly. Tee ideal thing a groom or bride to be can do is to roll with the punches. Planning is hard and trying to stick to that plan cannot be done. If you want to ride an elephant down the aisle you better be prepared to settle for a St. Bernard. Even if you can pay to have the elephant flown in, there might be a scheduling conflict. Putting on the best wedding possible is hard enough, but the perfect wedding can’t be done. You will need to settle, more importantly you’ll need to be okay with that.

3.) In-Laws

People love weddings. They’re fun parties that many women prepare their whole lives for and men are allowed join in on the fun. We get so excited about it, in fact that when we hear about one we all immediately want to be involved. People try to make themselves a part of the good times. When it comes to your future in-laws this means they already see themselves as your family. Your relationship with your fiancée’s family changed immediately the day you asked her to marry you (or the day he asked you).

Annoying Mother In Law

“It was me, I farted.”

Like my own family, my in-laws are a welcome addition into my life. I’m more than happy to have these people around. The biggest difference is that I haven’t known these people for all that long. They are totally new elements tin the close relationships that define day to day dealings. Her parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, and uncles are all a part of who my fiancée is, and now they are part of me. All of these personalities are going to collide into min in ways I have no way of predicting. My guess is that it’s going to be awful. How am I supposed to deal will all their bullshit without going completely insane?

If I could give the shortest answer possible as to how to  how to deal with in laws it would still be longer than the Bible. My solution would effectively cancel every sitcom on television. I would be the person who destroyed the foundations of network television. Alas I will never be that person. If you’re bothered by your in laws, you should probably not tell your spouse about it so they don’t get too upset. Deal with those fuckers as best you can, and try not to lose you god damned mind with those weird ass people.

2.) Advice

Are you a drug addict? If not, your loved ones probably don’t spend most of their time telling you how to live your life. Once you get engaged, all that changes.

Generic 1960s pic of a father and son scene.

“No matter what she says, it was not ‘fine’.”

I’ve been engaged since late Sunday night and since then all of my closest friends and relatives have told me the key to a lasting relationship. Or how to raise kids. Or how to iron pleated skirts. The fact of the matter is that people older than you know better than you, or they think they do. Usually experience is only as good as you are. Meaning that if you are a piece of shit no amount of experience will turn you into lemon sorbet. With that being said advice can’t hurt. Bad advice can be ignored, and good advice can be headed.

Once your friends and family start telling what to do as a married (wo)man listen to them to the best of your ability. If you feel yourself starting to drool from the mind-numbing worthlessness of their words, just smile and nod. We all learn best from experience and no amount of advice will help if we don’t have the practical knowledge to support what some uncle-in-law is telling us. if someone is spouting nonsense at you from their pie trap, ignore it. If you’re at a place in your life where what someone is telling you makes sense then take the advice. There’s no secret to this, just do your best to not get yelled at when a loved one is trying to help you.

1.) Parties

This one is almost certainly because I’m a guy, but I had no idea how many parties there would be. The day after I was engaged my future mother-in-law was asking about who I’d like to invite to the engagement party. Engagement party? Is that a thing? I asked myself as if I wasn’t stoked to hear there was going to be a party in my honor. Later that day, every friend I spoke to made it clear they wanted a party as well, for friends instead of family. I like parties as much as  the next guy but the planning for this sounds like a nightmare.

Cheers Bitches sign

Easy for you to say, you’re just a banner

I’ve never been a big party person, but I’m sure this will be fun. After all, it’s all about me. My fiancée too, I guess. But this is my blog, so lets focus on me. So I’ll probably just drink myself silly (or as i call it, performing my best talent). The parties wouldn’t be anything to worry about if it wasn’t for everything else. Not only will my family be there, but so will my in-laws. I’ll get advice from people I don’t know, and ideas for the perfect wedding. Everything that sucks about being engaged will be in my god damned face at the parties. Not just the engagement party, but the bridal shower, and the bachelor party, and the bachelorette party, and the family brunch for last minute planning, and the nuptial shindig. Through all these forced gatherings disguised as fun I see the purpose. Everyone is trying to get used to the idea that the youngest generation in their family is about to get married. That’s okay with me. And if you’re getting married it should be okay with you. If the parties bother you, you shouldn’t get married because they say more about your future life than anything else.

My fiancée is wonderful. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. No matter how hard things will get, she’s worth it. The bottom-line is that, any way you dice it, I’m very glad I proposed.


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