Media Musing: 5 People I Feel Very Bad For

Everyone below is in an extremely unenviable position. Sure they’re all millionaires and probably smell better than you but that doesn’t make them any less sympathetic. Below are five famous people who despite their hard work and best efforts have found themselves living in a world that wants nothing to do with what they represent. Things are changing. We have iPads, and dark super hero movies. As the baby boomers begin to die off we watch the desires of western culture shift to something new and foreign to us. What will be as a people 15 years from now? While the internet shoves society forward like an unsuspecting girlfriend in front of a pool it’s impossible to see how people will react to the rapidly changing aesthetic landscape of the world.Predicting the future has always been impossible, but in the modern world even predicting the very near future is an excercise in the ridiculous. For every hard working intelligent film maker with an extensive artistic background is about 10 cats who have a combined 1 billion views on youtube. In our world trying to make it in a dynamic industry like art, film, or music is it’s own form of fortune telling because everyone who professionally makes something is on some level trying to figure out what people will like. You may be a perfectly capable determined writer who’s willing to give everything you have emotionally for a story, but sometimes people just aren’t ready for you. Or, even worse the trend that would have helped make you popular was a fad that has since passed. You could have wasted your adult life working on a manuscript, and you come to find out that people are sick of melodramatic books about supernatural teenagers. The lesson there would be twofold 1.) you should write your next book faster and, the more important lesson 2.) you can do nothing about what people want to spend money on. Trying to figure out how your artistic voice will fit into intellectual landscape can ruin your life. Here’s a few people who it already has.

5.)Anne Hathaway

There’s this rumor going around that Anne Hathaway might be quitting acting. When I first heard this my only question was “why?” She’s fantastic, I mean did you see Les Mis? Her 3 and a half minutes on screen was fantastic. Sure that movie was objectively awful, but did you see her as Catwoman? A lot of people didn’t like Dark Knight Rises, but did you see her in The Devil Wears Prada? I didn’t. But the point is that Anne Hathaway is a pretty, young, capable actress who seems to have a long career ahead of her. So why would she quit?

According to an interview with the Huffington Post Hathaway believes people “need a break” from her. Sh thinks we’ve had enough of her bull shit. In short she’s under the impression that we live in an age where the role she fills in our pop culture psyche is now obsolete. She has something to offer, but a lot people don’t give a shit. I was surprised to find that there are actually many people who find her irksome. I’m not one, but those people are hurting her career. So why do they exist? Why are there some of us who have such strong negative feelings about a fairly average actress in the american film industry.

Jennifer Lawrence giving the Finger

It always comes back to JLaw

Jennifer Lawrence is the solution to the Hathaway conundrum. In the public eye, and in filmic choices she is the polar opposite to everything that Anne Hathaway means to us. Where Hathaway is a poised elegant woman with sharp, handsome feminine features Lawrence is clumsy, down to earth, realatable young lady. Hathaway is like a modern Rita Hayworth, or Greta Garbo. She’s professional, and yet somewhat mysterious. JLaw is unlike any old movie star. She’s candid while still being endearing. And most importantly, everyone fucking love her. Everytime she opens her mouth on camera Buzzfeed looses it’s damn cool. Meanwhile AHaw needs to not only show her boobs, but mention it on national television to get noticed.

Anne isn’t what we want. We don’t want a young woman to acts exactly like Helen Mirren. Sure she’s rich, and has made some pretty big movies but she’s not as popular as Jennifer Lawrence. And, it’s all because she worked her entire life becoming skiny and being dignified when she should have practiced calling herself fat.

4.) Katy Perry

This past Sunday Katy Perry sang at ABC’s salute to The Beatles. She sang “Yesterday” and did a fantastic job. That wasn’t the headline, however. Instead people were outraged that she changed the lyrics. Just ask reddit, because they think she “murdered the song.”  And what was her crime against everyone’s favorite band from freshman year? She changed the lyrics from “she” to “he.” That’s it. She sang the song from a woman’s perspective instead of a man’s.

I think this is the first in what will be a long line of outrages at Perry. She’s only just begun to be hated.Like Hathaway, and the people below she has worked her entire life to be a marketable famous person. I imagine a 17 year old Perry seeing herself as the next Madonna or Britney Spears. All that teenage girl wanted was to be edgy yet popular. So far she has been. After all She’s he’s got a video that is on youtube’s top 10 most viewed, and this is her house. Even still, it seems like her luck is turning around.

Screen Shot 2014-02-09 at 9.21.05 PM

That is not the face of a happy person.

Above is a picture of the most followed person on Twitter en-fucking-raged at the Grammys. That is a still of her while watching Imagine Dragons and Kendrick Lamaar play their mash up of “Radioactive” and “m.A.A.d. City.” The rap/rock collaboration absolutely killed, and the room full of pop stars and music producers went wild. They did basically the opposite when she performed her newest single “Dark Horse.” Sure they applauded or whatever, but couldn’t hold a candle to  Dragons and Lamaar. Her gig was accompanied with some crazy shit. She had fire,  a gigantic puppet horse, and all sorts of other things you’d expect from a single song that costs thousands of dollars to perform. In the past those sorts of displays at an award show would have gone over great. Instead a couple of dudes doing nothing other than playing music was considered the best of the night.I think she is on a downward slide in popularity. I think people want more than fire and pageantry. At this point we’ve seen it all and we want something other than the same old, same old. Katy Perry is a product of a bygone era. The saddest fact of this is that she is totally unaware of her own obsolescence.

3.) Nickelback

Nickelback is fucking terrible. They are. They are like a slight against anything good in the world. Their existence is a taunt to the mere suggestion of beauty. Never the less I pity them. Because as bad as they are, they are not the worst. Even within there genre, there are bands more terrible than them. Click here, here, or here if you don’t believe me. To many people, myself included they represent everything wrong with the music industry.They’re not so much a band as a symbol. So, yes they’re bad, just not the worst.

Have you ever heard of Hot Chelle Rae? They sound nothing like the fake hard rock of Chad Kroeger’s brain child. However, Hot Chelle Rae is the worst band on the planet. Here’s one of their songs.

0.45 seconds is long enough to know how bad this is.

I’m not the only one who has felt bad for Nickelback. Adam Tod Brown at Cracked.com seems to think they don’t deserve the violent hatred against their band. The main reason I pity them is that they are boring. They don’t make good music and bad musicians are dime a dozen. Their music is uninteresting and they are almost never in the public eye, except for when people make ad homonym attacks toward Kroeger’s stupid fucking grin. They are awful, but are they the most awful? No. So leave them alone.

2.) Cecily Strong

Chevy Chase, Colin Quinn, Jimmy Fallon, Tina Fey, and Seth Meyers are just some of the brilliant quick-witted comedians who brought their own brand of razor sharp banter to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update. Most recently the pretty, young, capable comedienne Cecily Strong has taken a seat next to her co host to report on the news in a way that is almost as good as The Daily Show like so many before her. Now that Seth Myers is moving on to greener pastures at the Late Night show Strong will be left to host the show alone. Or, she would if everyone didn’t hate her.

Cecily Strong headshot

What the fuck are you smiling at?

Strong has been very funny in various sketches, and even had a few regular characters. However, every joke she tells on Weekend Update falls completely flat.Sometimes she tries to make up with it by appealing directly to the audience with some comment and then it just makes things worse. Every “yeah, you guys know what i’m talking about” is a twisting knife in the kidney of her career. Getting brought on full time to the cast of SNL must have been the greatest moment of her life. After riding on that high for some time she now has to deal with the reality that she might not be that funny. Honestly, my heart breaks for her because I think she is probably currently dealing with her own unpopularity. Look at it her way, plenty of other people have hosted Weekend Update by themselves but for her they need to bring in a totally new dude to sit next to her. It’s a massive slap in the face that is punctuated every time she looks at the camera and hears exactly no laughs.

1.)Any Boy Band That Isn’t One Direction

When I was too young to know what they were singing about, ‘N sync was fucking huge. Girls, and guys my age and older knew all the words to their songs and would sing butchered versions of their lyrics at recess. I imagine the same exact thing is happening right now with a One Direction song somewhere in the world. Those British kids are international super stars and just about everyone I know can at least sing a few bars from “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful.” They’re probably going to do better than ‘N sync did in the long run because they don’t have some chump change version of the Backstreet Boys to compete with for the preteen girl shrieks that fuel their group’s life force. I will not be the first person to say that there is something that separates these two groups and it is not insignificant.

 Nsync Gif

No, it’s not Justin’s frosted tips.

The gif above would not be possible for any One Direction music video. Other than their superior 21st century fashion sense good old 1D doesn’t dance. They have the same boyish charm and impossibly immature yet endearing good looks as every other harmonizing all male singing group but they just sort of walk around on stage. No choreographed moves, no complicated steps, nothing resembling a concept of rhythm being understood through body movements. The only choreography seems to come from their awareness that no part of a stage should be entirely empty for too long.

http://www.etonline.com/music/135737_One_Direction_On_Why_They_Won_t_Dance/

I feel bad for their competitors because, Harry Stiles and company got lucky. Who would have thought that people who don’t dance could be popular. Girls love dancers, so they shouldn’t love One Direction. The flaw in this logic is that they do. There’s no way anyone was going to see that coming. It’s sad to think that there were thousands of kids learning to dance, working out, and trying to sing just to be the next Chris Kirkpatrick. Now they don’t even have that. Handsome in-shape dudes aren’t easy to be bummed about but they’re still people who are living in a world that will hate them if they try to follow their dreams.

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